dragonwarder | (no subject)

[It's like a knife to the gut, having him bring her up. But then -- Jon is one of the few people on the outside of all this, and one of the only people who might understand her feelings on the subject.

So she decides, for once, to be honest.]

She found me.
But if you are looking for her now, I am afraid I can't help you.

I'm not looking for her. You were missing her. I was wondering if things were better for you now.

[He doesn't know either of them well, and -- perhaps a little in spite of himself -- he likes both of them. But Daenerys is the one who had grieved her friend's absence. He wonders if she is still grieving now.]

[He just comes out and says it, and she could weep. But she doesn't -- the shell merely gets thicker.]

Suffice to say, I am no longer missing her.

[And since she cannot leave it on that note, but she also cannot will herself to be vulnerable in this:]

It is complicated.
I cannot yet say if they are better or worse.
But she is not living here anymore.

That doesn't sound better. Why did she leave?

As I said: it is complicated.
But she left.
That was her choice as much as it was her choice to keep me ignorant of her return.
I care not to investigate it further.
I do not have time to spare on those who cannot perform simple courtesies.

Did the two of you fight? Before you tell me it isn't my business, I know that. But you were friends. Losing a friend is a hard thing. Are you all right?

[Instinct tells her to push him away. It would be better than giving him a chance to disappoint her like Rey has -- and, to some extent, Kylo Ren as well.]

Something happened between her and Kylo Ren.
Something political, I gather.
I still do not know the truth of it all.
I am certain both of them speak half-truths, one way or another.

But what I do know is that she ignored my attempts to communicate with her for days, and stole away without word.
So what I think or do is apparently little concern of her's.

[So in a word: No, she is not alright.]

Kylo Ren — I don't know who that is. So they had a political conflict where they didn't before. It sounds like she took it hard. She seemed quiet when we were in the mountains. [Takes one to know one.] It wasn't right of her to ignore your messages. Is she always so quiet?

Edited 2020-04-14 09:52 (UTC)

I am not entirely certain who he is to her, either.
She has been very protective of assigning a title to him.
But they were close. Practically inseparable.
They come from the same world, as you and I do, and share some sort of connection.

The way it was described to me, it sounded of magical origin.

[She doesn't want to talk about Rey. So her follow up messages come slow, and sporadic.]

She has never been particularly quiet around me.
She is stubborn. Guarded, toward those she does not know well.

[But not to her -- or so she thought.]

[Friends? Lovers? Companions in arms?

He doesn't know enough to say, but losing someone like that, or a rift with them -- that could make anyone keep to themselves for a while. He thinks of when he left Ygritte, and learned of Robb's death, the way his room in Castle Black had held all his sorrow, and his wounds had let him sleep away the worst of it. He had seen so little then of Pyp or Grenn, and not much more of Sam. He had seen Maester Aemon only when the old man had come to tend his wounds or give him milk of the poppy.]

When my father died, or my brother, I wanted to keep to myself. When I've taken wounds, I didn't want friends, not for long. I could not laugh with them. What she's done, I don't think it was meant to wound you. I know it did, but I don't think it was meant to.

This was no death of a loved one.

[That is not what she wants to hear right now. But she can't very well admit that. So she offers a comparison.]

Kylo Ren made no such overtures.
Within a day of his return, he sought after my well-being.

So it does not matter what was meant.
I gave her several opportunities to apologize, and she did not.
I expected more of her. Obviously, that trust was misplaced.

You claim a title of King in the North -- you ought to know a thing or two of the importance of trust, no?

They aren't the same person. She might take things harder than he does. But aye, I know something of loyalty. Didn't take them making me king to learn it. Has she betrayed you in truth, or just hidden herself away?

Enlighten me as to why this matter so deeply concerns you.

[Why would Jon Snow, the King in the North, give a lick about her feud with some girl from nowhere? She isn’t being fair, of course — but she feels justified in this sort of pettiness, if only to guard herself from being so deeply disappointed again.]

We're talking about it.

[The truth is, he hadn't meant to get so pulled into it. But he can also see that she's not doing herself any favors by closing the door between her and Rey so quickly and firmly.]

But since we're talking about it — We are each of us all alone here, or close enough to it. We come here weak and sleeping. We need our friends, whatever friends we have. You have been kind enough to me since I came to this city that I didn't like to see you lose your friend when she was missing. I still don't like to see it now that she's returned. Maybe it doesn't matter what I like to see, but it doesn't sound like you like it, either.

[That isn't the only reason. There is the matter of dragons in a dream.

But this is why he's talking to her about Rey. Their rift seems like it could heal over a matter of time and patience, if Daenerys doesn't sever their friendship entirely.]

[Something seizes in her chest, when he says out loud so easily what she has consistently pushed away. She’d been alone for months — it had become something of a game of survival, for someone who had become so accustomed to being surrounded by people who knew her, respected her, feared her, and loved her.

It had been years since she was nobody to everybody, and confronting that — it has fostered an identity crisis.

And when the people closest to her vanished and changed, well — she hasn’t quite accepted that yet.]

It no longer matters what I like, or what suits me.
What suits me matters to few people in New Amsterdam.

[Which is the core of the problem, isn’t it?]

I do not wish to speak of Rey or Kylo Ren any longer.

All right. We won't speak of them any longer. It isn't my place to tell you not to close a door between you if you don't have to do it. There was something else I wanted to ask you. The dream, with the dragons. Do you remember it? Is that what they look like in truth?

[Ah. He remembers all of it, too. It wasn’t the first time — but that didn’t make it any less awkward.]

Indeed.
Though you got closer than most get the chance; an advantage of dreams, I suppose.

Edited 2020-04-14 11:16 (UTC)

What should have happened?

They are protective of their mother.
And they rarely take personal interest in other people.

I am no threat to you, Daenerys. They seemed curious. I don't know why they'd be curious about me.

[He is robbed of her amused smile when he makes those proclamations as a result of them speaking through the implant. She very nearly agrees with him — he couldn’t possibly be a threat to her, if it weren’t for so many other things about him that very CLEARLY made him a threat to her.

And of course, the answer about the dragons’ curiosity...well, they were her dreams, after all.]

Perhaps you smelled of sheep.

Edited 2020-04-14 11:27 (UTC)

I wasn't dreaming of sheep. In your dream, did you find me sleeping in a paddock before I was in your castle with you?

Hm. I cannot recall.
As a matter of fact, as I recall, you seemed to have invited yourself into my castle.

No, I found myself there. As it might have been if I had finished my journey to meet you.

Then I suppose that is what happened.
Though — I would perhaps not count on such a warm welcome from Drogon, should you attempt such on our return to Westeros.